February 22, 2018
“I Get To Finally Shower”
Today was the morning I’ve been looking forward to for 15 days. I have been thinking about how amazing is a shower was going to feel. I was so excited. My creative juices were spinning. Should I make a video or thinking what song should I listen to? At last!!!! Splish Splash!!So fresh and so clean, But couldn’t muster up the energy and JUST wanted to shower.
My shower is a little piece of sanctuary for me. I designed it last year and it’s the place I turn to to get my deepest thoughts out, the place where I cry to hide the tears from my children when I don’t want them to know I had a bad day, to just have few moments of silence and of course to get all clean. A big motto in our house when someone is having a rough time is , “ A shower fixes everything!” We are firm believers of this. Even my kids at 5 and 3 know and believe in this too.
What was the fantasy of this first shower vs. reality was just this. A new experience. A raw experience. A moment where I just wanted to scream F*ck YOU cancer. A moment where I cried from the deepest part of my heart strings.
My shower this morning wasn’t all that amazing that I thought it would be. It was raw. It was scars. It was cuts. It was expanders “fake” boobs that don’t stop spasming. It was a needed bench so I don’t fall over. It was washing the shortest amount of hair I’ve ever had. It was struggling to wash because my arms have limited motion. It was trying just to even be able to hold a bottle of shampoo and squeeze. For every drop of water I doubled it with a tear. It was a step in this journey that I won’t forget.
I’m not trying to make you cry by reading this. I think at this point of the post we are way past the jumping jacks. I’m just getting these emotions off my chest and it’s a daily reminder to be grateful you are alive. Everyone has challenges. This one was mine today. But with time and g-d, I will fight and get through this and for whatever yours is trust the same intuition.
In the meantime I’m bundled In a cozy robe and waiting for my Valium to kick in.
Have a blessed day. Remember to be grateful and I Love You